I have a tendency to avoid conflict at all cost. I believe I have a basic desire to have inner stability and peace of mind.
Seriously, my favorite scripture is Philippians 4:7.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:7 (NASB)
Growing up with multiple siblings, there was quite a few arguments. You know like, who was going to control the tv or who was going to sit in the front sit – real life issues.
I’m kidding.
And many times I remember what I was doing in those scenarios when an argument occurred. I was either crying in solitude or going with the majority because it’s so innate for me to protect my peace at all cost. Crying and pleading for things to just get back to “normal.”
And yes, my siblings would lovingly tease me for being a cry baby if you were wondering.
Fast forward to present day, when George Floyd’s murder spread over the internet, so many conversations of conflict arose and it became extremely overwhelming. I’d seen this before. This isn’t something new. And I know how the story ends. I thought with no hope. I didn’t want to truly process and grieve. I had no problem being vocal about the truths of injustice but was tired of really facing it.
I tired to justify my numbness by thinking – As a black woman, I’m exhausted and it’s difficult to deal with reoccurring grief. I was protecting my peace at all cost.
After a vulnerable conversation with my husband, I realized my habit with his simple question. Where is your peace coming from?
I kept referring to the peace as mine as if I’d created it. But I did create something – faux peace. I created the bubble that allowed me to live without grief and conflict and labeled it peace.
As a Christian, if I believe that peace is a fruit of the Spirit, then I can’t create it. I can only receive it. And I receive it by turning to the God of all comfort.
And in turning to Him and laying down my grief, He met me with His peace that surpasses all understanding. And that’s what truly guards my heart as I move forward in participating in the fight towards racial justices. His peace – real peace.
